Josie's Journey Home

 

It has been so long since my last blog post.  Isn't is amazing that my last post was about the loss of a child and this one is about the addition of one?  The latest addition to our family has raised many questions.  It has taken me a few weeks to get to a point where I can blog about what has taken place in our lives.  So here goes my very poor attempt to explain the unexplainable.

About a year ago, Ren and I began praying for a Chinese baby sister.  A friend of mine, Gwen, made the comment about her adopted children and that she adopted in pairs, two from China, two from Uganda, so that her children had someone that shared their history.  That comment confirmed in my heart that another little Chinese girl would complete our family.  However, Tyson was not so sure.  When I found out I was pregnant in January I thought, "Well, this is not exactly what I prayed for and if this baby comes out looking Chinese, I will have a lot of explaining to do!"  HA!  But then of course, our pregnancy ended in miscarriage.

I took a couple of months to heal and then began again thinking and praying about adding to our family through adoption.  All the while, Ren and I prayed for a Chinese baby sister and Tyson continued to not be so sure because we did not have the money to adopt from China and it would be impossible to go China and leave all our children behind.  So I prayed for a Chinese baby that we wouldn't have to go to China to get.  As you know, I am a planner.  We started taking foster care classes.  On the foster care paperwork I wrote "ASIAN " ,(and others as well), in the blank that said , "Race".  However, there is not an abundance of Asian children in foster care, (shocking I know).  I checked out Hawaii's foster care page, I mean Hawaiian children are practically Asian, right??  Keep in mind that though we did take foster care classes, we were not "officially" in the adoption process, especially not international adoption.

So in July I received a phone call from Amy Scott who is our social worker.  She walked us through our adoption with Ren.  When Amy calls my heart almost always stops because that means something is usually up.  She told me of a situation where a family had adopted a little girl from China and due to her special needs, (cleft palate), they wanted to dissolve the adoption.  She told us to pray and she would call us in a week or so.  We met with the couple and they indeed decided to dissolve the adoption.  We were asked to be the adoptive family.  As we prayed about what to do, Tyson said, "It is ludicrous to think that this might not be our child.  Of course she is.  She is exactly what you prayed for!"  And the rest is history.


So on August 10, 2012, Miss Josie Jiang Griffin joined her forever family. Amy brought her to our house.  My boys were so confused.  They wanted to pack their bags.  They thought we were getting on a plane to China, I mean that is where MOST Chinese baby sisters come from, just not our Josie.  We chose the name Josie because it is Tyson's grandma's name and when I looked up the meaning in Hebrew it means, "The Lord has added".  And He definitely has!


I know what most people are thinking right now.  What is a dissolved adoption?  It is where adoptive parents come to the decision that they are not able to parent their adopted child and they legally surrender all rights to the child.  Even as I type this my heart hurts.  I have been very angry towards this family but I have come to a place where all I feel towards them is thankfulness and compassion.  I am thankful because they brought my daughter home and they sought out a family for her.  I have compassion for them because I know they are hurting people.  It is not for me to debate whether or not they did the right thing.  It is not for me to understand.  Believe me, I have had a million thoughts and questions in my head.  How could they?  But each night when I am rocking my baby girl to sleep, she looks up at me with those beautiful eyes and I think, "How could they not?"  This sweet little girl is my daughter, she is home.

While we're rocking we listen to music.  Each night we listen to "Love Me Anyway" by Sidewalk Prophets.  It's the first song on my playlist.  I love that song because it talks about how the Lord loves me even though I am so not worthy.  It says "I am the the thorn in His crown.  I am the sweat from His brow.  I am Judas's kiss."  You know that is exactly what I am but He loves me anyway!  And to think about how the Lord of the universe heard my prayer and because of His love, answered my prayer and gave me such a special gift, it is more than I can comprehend.

⁸ Isaiah 40:28  Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

I love this verse!  I have been guilty of thinking, "I can't believe the Lord heard my prayer and He actually answered it!"  This verse is like the Lord looking at me and saying, "DUH!"  Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  He is the everlasting God! He is the creator of the ends of the earth! And He is able to bring my Chinese daughter home from right down the road!

His mercies in disguise....

Proverbs 16:9  The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

I posted this verse with a picture of my positive pregnancy test to Facebook on January 27, 2012.  I am posting it again tonight followed by these brief words, my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, but I know the Lord is good and I know He establishes our steps.

Back in January I began to feel a little sick.  I faintly remember feeling that way one time before.  I felt the same thing when I was pregnant with Henry.  Though we were definitely not trying to have a baby, I thought I should take a test, just in case.  The positive sign literally knocked the breath out of me.  The tears began to flow, (not of joy, I might add).  I mean, I am almost 36, I have three children already, and not mention I had begun filling out papers for our next adoption.  And did I mention I was supposed to board a plane bound for Uganda, Africa, on March 30?? I had my plan!!!!

So, I went to the doctor.  Told the world I was pregnant.  Canceled my trip to Uganda, (doctor's orders), and began to fall in love with the baby growing inside.  Though all the while I had a feeling that something wasn't right.

I went in for my 8 week appointment and begged to have an ultrasound.  I remember walking down that hall to the ultrasound room.  I could not wait to hear that "woosh, woosh" of my baby's heart beat.  I have had several ultrasounds so I knew what to look for.  I laid there on the table staring expectantly at the screen, but there was nothing.  A gaping black hole......no heartbeat, no baby, not my plan.

I went in the next week for a follow up ultrasound.....nothing.  I walked out and had to sit in a waiting room.  Everywhere I looked were pregnant people.  This is not very pretty, but it is very honest.  I started to look around me and think "Why?"  Why is her baby fine?  "Look at her, she can't be more that 16 years old!"  "Look at her, look at all her tatoos!"  I have to say, I am not proud of all the thoughts I had.  When I got home I was looking in the mirror and getting ready, the thoughts came again.  And then the tears began to flow as the Lord began to reveal to me how wrong I was to judge anyone's worth or their worthiness to be a mom by how they looked or the horror of my own circumstances, (that were not my plan).

I ended up having a D and C.  I have to say it was one of the worst days of my life.  The tears would just not stop.  This was not my plan!

I had a plan, but the Lord established my steps.  And you know what?  I am thankful.  Why did I get pregnant?  I didn't want to be pregnant.  And just when I started to get excited about our new baby.....miscarriage.  I do not know the answer.  But I do know that the Lord loves me.  I am thankful for the children He has blessed me with.  My children amaze me.  I am not a teen mom.  I am not covered in tatoos.  But I AM the one who is not worthy of the gifts the Lord has given me.  So, am I ok?  Yes!!!  I am walking in thankfulness and trusting that , like the first song on my playlist, "Blessings", by Laura Story, says His mercies are in disguise

By the way, I know everyone wants to ask, but is too afraid to.  Will there be any more Griffin children in the future?  Tyson would probably answer, 'NO"!  But remember, the Lord establishes our steps AND I have a plan!!  HA!