Proverbs 16:9 The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
I posted this verse with a picture of my positive pregnancy test to Facebook on January 27, 2012. I am posting it again tonight followed by these brief words, my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, but I know the Lord is good and I know He establishes our steps.
Back in January I began to feel a little sick. I faintly remember feeling that way one time before. I felt the same thing when I was pregnant with Henry. Though we were definitely not trying to have a baby, I thought I should take a test, just in case. The positive sign literally knocked the breath out of me. The tears began to flow, (not of joy, I might add). I mean, I am almost 36, I have three children already, and not mention I had begun filling out papers for our next adoption. And did I mention I was supposed to board a plane bound for Uganda, Africa, on March 30?? I had my plan!!!!
So, I went to the doctor. Told the world I was pregnant. Canceled my trip to Uganda, (doctor's orders), and began to fall in love with the baby growing inside. Though all the while I had a feeling that something wasn't right.
I went in for my 8 week appointment and begged to have an ultrasound. I remember walking down that hall to the ultrasound room. I could not wait to hear that "woosh, woosh" of my baby's heart beat. I have had several ultrasounds so I knew what to look for. I laid there on the table staring expectantly at the screen, but there was nothing. A gaping black hole......no heartbeat, no baby, not my plan.
I went in the next week for a follow up ultrasound.....nothing. I walked out and had to sit in a waiting room. Everywhere I looked were pregnant people. This is not very pretty, but it is very honest. I started to look around me and think "Why?" Why is her baby fine? "Look at her, she can't be more that 16 years old!" "Look at her, look at all her tatoos!" I have to say, I am not proud of all the thoughts I had. When I got home I was looking in the mirror and getting ready, the thoughts came again. And then the tears began to flow as the Lord began to reveal to me how wrong I was to judge anyone's worth or their worthiness to be a mom by how they looked or the horror of my own circumstances, (that were not my plan).
I ended up having a D and C. I have to say it was one of the worst days of my life. The tears would just not stop. This was not my plan!
I had a plan, but the Lord established my steps. And you know what? I am thankful. Why did I get pregnant? I didn't want to be pregnant. And just when I started to get excited about our new baby.....miscarriage. I do not know the answer. But I do know that the Lord loves me. I am thankful for the children He has blessed me with. My children amaze me. I am not a teen mom. I am not covered in tatoos. But I AM the one who is not worthy of the gifts the Lord has given me. So, am I ok? Yes!!! I am walking in thankfulness and trusting that , like the first song on my playlist, "Blessings", by Laura Story, says His mercies are in disguise
By the way, I know everyone wants to ask, but is too afraid to. Will there be any more Griffin children in the future? Tyson would probably answer, 'NO"! But remember, the Lord establishes our steps AND I have a plan!! HA!